Think I caught oh masturbating

Hi all, probably a common subject already covered and most of you wouldn’t think anything of it, but I think I caught my oh having some 'alone time in the shower the other day. He had his usual morning shower but locked the door this particular day. He never locks the door except when my daughter stays but she’s not with us at the moment and at her dad’s. Its not something we’ve discussed before and when we have had second in the past we do masturbate each other but never talk about alone time so bit of a taboo subject for us. I’m sure I could hear him in the shower quietly grunting and groaning etc. When he came out I subtly made reference to why he locked the door and about alone time and he just said he locked it out of habit when my daughter stayed the other week during the holidays. He took ages in there and he’s always 5 mind max, this time more like 15/20?! I’m not worried about it but I can’t help thinking put out slightly, as what’s wrong with having me?! Am I not good enough? I know my libido has been low up until recently but I tried to show i was in the mood last night and he was either disinterested or wasn’t picking up my cues. Feel a bit deflated by the whole situation and the fact that he most likely lied when I confronted him about it!

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Can you be sure he wasn’t having a number two? If he was masturbating don’t worry it’s perfectly natural, he may have lied because you caught him off guard and flustered him. If he missed the clues you were up for it last night, were you too subtle?

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@Softkitty30
Sit and have an open chat about things, get it out in the open. Masterbating is perfectly normal thing to do, me and my hubby have sex nearly every day, but I also masterbate every night, not because I don’t love him or need him, simply to help me drift off to sleep. My hubby doesn’t masterbate now, as if he’s in the mood, it turns into us time, rather than him time, again normal.

Have a chat outside of bedroom time, just be honest with each other, communication keeps everyone happy.

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I agree with will It is natural and there are other possibilities of what he could have been doing. Imagine if he was plucking nose hair or squeezing spots but was embarrassed?

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No he was definitely in the shower we have separate toilet so he wasn’t using the loo. I try to be open with him but alot of the time he just says I don’t do it that often and makes excuses

I get that he may have been caught off guard or embarrassed but why lie, he doesn’t need to and shouldn’t. If he can’t be honest then what is the point? If it was the other way around I would’ve come clean and admitted it

I wouldn’t worry too much about it. I think everyone deserves a bit of masturbation privacy if they want it. :slightly_smiling_face:

If your sex life has been a bit patchy lately it’s not surprising that he didn’t pick up on any subtle cues. I always think the best way is to just be really upfront and forward. If you want it, say so. :slightly_smiling_face:

Or, if you think you need to talk about what you want (and how often, etc) in more depth, you can try having an open and honest conversation with him about it. :+1: It’s better if this is an outside of the bedroom, non-sexy time kind of chat, with as few distractions as you can manage, so you can both give the subject the focus it deserves. :+1::slightly_smiling_face:

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Most likely embarrassment, but to settle your mind you probably need to talk to him, but don’t make accusations, just say you understand if he needs a bit of solo time, and there’s no need to hide the fact.

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You could always ask he if wants a hand next time then all he has to do is ask! Although that might get a bit awkward if as @WillC says he was doing a number two!

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@Softkitty30
I was bought up in a very religious family, and told it was dirty, and shameful etc etc, I didn’t start masterbating until 2.5 years ago, because I still carried that stigma around and even now in my 30s I cannot masterbate without toys. Maybe he’s embarrassed, maybe he grew up being told it was wrong. Sometimes men just aren’t very good at communicating, he may think that he’s upset you and that you may judge him. Without sitting down and having a chat it’s hard to really know.

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I said this in another post, masturbating alone is totally normal, even in an happy relationship. Being a man he probably just thought about something that turned him on and he just wanted to rub one out there and then, don’t know about anyone else but it happens to me all the time. Never think think you’re not good enough. Another point I think most men aren’t open about sex and things like that. If someone thought I was masturbating and they ask me I would of said no at first

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My and my g/f are very happy… but we both masturbate … it’s not a comment on how he feels about you. Whilst you feel put out that he didn’t fess up… it does feel like you are sensitive about it… do you talk to him openly about your own ‘private time’… Sometimes I’ll stroke one out straight after great sex … just because … it’s a different thing and a little self care doesn’t hurt anyone …

Just maybe have a chat about how it’s ok …

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Honestly (and please don’t take this as an attack!) you’re coming across as very confrontational about it on here, is it possible that came through in person when you asked him? I mean, I know I would feel incredibly uncomfortable if my partner was timing my showers, listening at the door and then demanding to know if I had been masturbating. I wouldn’t feel comfortable opening up in that situation. I’d feel judged, attacked and that you were being a tad controlling. He also might not have realised you were trying to talk about masturbation if all you asked about was the locked door?

You say he doesn’t need to lie about it, but he also doesn’t need to tell you. It’s his body and he isn’t doing anything wrong in having some alone time, he doesn’t need to answer to you or ‘come clean’. It’s okay to want to take care of yourself without involving your partner. Of course, if you truly feel he is picking his hand over you regularly and to the detriment of your sex life then that would need to be talked about and addressed. And it would be worth calmly talking about how he didn’t pick up on your cues last night, if only to reassure yourself that that’s all it was and maybe to know how to make it clearer to him next time. But all that’s a seperate conversation to his masturbation habits, if that makes sense?

I’m sorry you’re hurting over this, but please don’t try to bully him into opening up on a topic you say he isn’t comfortable talking about for the sake of easing your hurt.

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Thank you I think maybe you’re right and it’s not as if we have been very close recently which could be another reason why. I just feel that he should be talking to me about things rather than just trying to satisfy his ego. Its fine if thats what he wants to do but like I mentioned in my post he’s always treated it as a taboo subject whereas I openly discuss things such as my toys etc which implies I too at times have needs. He just treats it as such a personal and private subject which is OK and there’s no reason it shouldn’t be or remain that way, but it’d just be nice to be able to openly talk about such things from time to time. I’m not asking to know the whys/wheres and hows everytime he does it, just that he doesn’t hide the fact that he does do it and need these times. Isn’t that all part of having a close heathy and trusting sex life after all? :slightly_smiling_face:

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Perhaps I am being to clever here but the use of the word “caught” near the beginning and “confronted” towards the end, suggest to me an emotional response towards his having “me time”.
Maybe have a think about why you feel this way, then make time for the honest chat you both need. If as you say, your libido has been low, try to build up some sexual tension gradually. Once a person has been rebuffed a few times, they tend to avoid the situation recurring.
If you have no problem with “me time”, let him know you are having a little of your own and invite him to watch.

I feel this way because its as if he’s trying to hide it from me. Had I popped into the bathroom and caught him at it i probably would’ve offered to help or join him

But he is absolutely allowed to keep his masturbation habits to himself, if he wishes. It’s his private time. :slightly_smiling_face::+1:

You should talk to him about your shared time together, and see if there’s been some miscommunication somewhere. :+1:

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Is this really about a lack of intimacy and feeling pushed out/not desired? Maybe catching him having a crafty wank triggered you because you aren’t feeling fulfilled? Perhaps that’s the conversation to have, leave the masturbation where it is if it’s just going to get his back up…

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You use the phrase “Satisfy his ego” in no way is he doing that. He may be satisfying an urge, but definitely not his ego. Look at it this way, you can have great sex lasting hours, but you can also have a quick wank before work or whatever, both equally pleasurable, both good for the mental health. Neither is bad! Also, there is a theory that daily ejaculation helps prevent prostate cancer. Would you be happy with him having intercourse with you on a daily basis to prevent that, or would you rather he wank on the days you don`t have sex?

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You beat me to it Will, it’s not about ego and all about urges and needs. If you haven’t been close recently he was probably just taking the easy route. How about surprising him in some great lingerie one evening, I bet he won’t be running off to the shower then :grinning:

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