weight putting me off

Off-Topic Chat
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Please dont judge me

My husband is lovely, but he was very reluctant to have children, as he didnt want us to change, he used to say things like when women have kids they let themselves go!! Which I don't agree with.

3 children later and although its been hard and our sex life suffered lots while they were tiny, things have recently turned around due to my sex drive returning.

I have worked hard to keep my figure and keep myself fit, and try to make an effort on appearance.

But he on the other hand has let himself go! He is now at least 4 stone overweight, and sometimes I have to say to him are you going to shower/bath/ shave ect

I love him, and want sex as its important for a couple, but this not looking after himself, and the weight is putting me off... feel like he's letting me down.

Ive tried gently talking about it, helping with diet, cooking well. I've tried being direct sbout it and saying its upsetting. He tries, but it never lasts

Its getting me down.

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Sorry this posted twice

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This is a difficult one. Basically I can see 3 issues here

1) The weight

2) He has let himself go

3) A lack of Va Va Voom

The weight side I would leave well alone. If you keep going on at him he may rebel and start resenting you. Before I started losing weight I topped the scales at 18 and a half stone. After a long journey of just over 4 years ,I am a slimline 13 stoner .This is something I did for myself without interference from my OH.There are some things you could do .When you do your weekly shop look out for lower fat versions of the foods he likes .you haven't stated your ages but I am just wondering if he qualifies for the over 40s health check .If so persuade him to go n and get checked over. Perhaps some hard truths from your health professionals could make him start ? But really you should and I hope you do love your partner just as much even if they are over weight.

I will now turn to number 3 which is most important as it could influence number 2 . A good way of slowly getting back his sex appetite is to perhaps have no sex ,but instead start going out together on date nights .Have pub lunches out and start talking to each other. Cook a nice romantic meal at home .That w a y you could also watch his calories. You need to start perhaps doing more things together and get him interested in you again , like when you first started going out together .If he has a hygiene problem ,which I think you hinted at then drag him into the shower with you.or perhaps suggest share a relaxing bath together.

I hope I have perhaps given something for you to think about and I dare say the other guys on here will have further ideas for you to try. The thing to bear In mind though is that there is no fast fix here. It's a case of small steps at a time.

Good luck.

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I'm so glad Mysteron commented I knew he'd be able to give you sound advice. Let us know how you get on xx

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Couple looking to spice things up wrote:

I'm so glad Mysteron commented I knew he'd be able to give you sound advice. Let us know how you get on

+1 ......and we would never judge you xx

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Why don't you start a fitness class a family? My boxing gym does a family class, it's obviously help him lose weight by burning calories but it may push him to eat healthier and be cleaner because he'll see how much easier it would be if he was lighter and being in close contact with people you make an effort to not be gross.
I henuinely would tell him that it's typical he didn't want to have kids because he thought you'd let yourself go but he had no problem letting himself go. When you're in a long term relationship especially with kids you stop worrying what your partner thinks like you don't worry what your best friend thinks, they love you anyway. And you do let yourself go, it's normal, but there's an acceptable limit.
If he is that bad with cleaning I'd set a rule that he's not allowed in bed without a shower, it takes two minutes, there's no reason why he should refuse.
OH works a high stress Jon and sometimes he does go a few days without a wash, so we have a bath together, or I get him a beer and run him a bath and wash his back.
What does he eat to be this weight? If it's family meals you might try hello fresh, they plan your meals, you'd be surprised what normal portion sizes are! If it's snacking during the day could you pack his lunch? Filling foods may curb his appetite.
It's a difficult one, as mysteron said, he is the only one that can change himself, but that doesn't mean you should just accept it if he doesn't want to change.
The not cleaning would bother me most and is easiest to change, ether take the kind approach and bath together or run him a relaxing bath, or take the stern approach and tell him he's not coming to bed if he hasn't washed. Kind approach may lead to him expecting to be pampered or may lead to him making more of an effort to return your kindness. Stern approach may get the job done while denting his pride.
Telling someone they're too fat and need to diet is always going to be hard though. I'd get him into some sort of sport, OH has just started squash with his fitter friend which is working well, and pack his lunch. And if you notice any changes make a big deal like "your bellys shrunk, it's sexy" or "you smell lovely" while kissing his neck.

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Thanks all. It is very tricky. I do love him, but so frustrated with his lack of care. He's my best friend, but because of this lack of care I feel like thats how I love him, rather than really fancy him

We eat well as a family, and keep the stuf in to make healthy lunches, but he buys snacks while out and about. He has always over eaten, in his 30s he could get away with it. Hes now 48 and he cant keep it up.

A while ago an old male friend got back in touch, hubby felt jelous, and for a while made a big effort, but it hasn't lasted and he's back to being lazy. He makes huge excuses not to excercise

Aghhh im just so frustrated by it.

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Weight wise perhaps you need to talk to him but very very tactfully.

I will list the reasons why I decided to lose weight and get much fitter and perhaps you could use some of these as pointers when you talk to him. Incidently i am only a few years older than your guy .

1) I lost 2 dear friends to heart attacks . These guys were in my age group .At the weight I was , I would have been prone to a possible heart attack . My blood pressure was also in the amber reading .I also started getting pains in my chest which served as a warning. These dissappeared after I lost my first stone .

2) Diabetes makes peoples lives miserable and shortened the life of my father ( who wasn't vastly overweight actually) and if your overweight it increases the chan

cses of getting the disease. This is a fact .

3) I was getting out of breath just walking down the road and previously I had a very fast walking pace.

4) Fed up of buying XXL clothes . They look bad

5) Didn't like my near 40" waistline . I am now just under a 34" waist.

6) Hated being called the "Fat one" This is becasue appart from the size at the time my brother looked very similar to me .

7) I wanted to look sexy again . Prehaps more of a female trait. But I wanted to look best for my partner.

8) Body confidence was at an all time low. I didn't like what I saw in a mirror and wouldn't be seen dead without a shirt on .

9) I wanted to be around for when my son settles down and decides to start a family himself. Yes I want to be a grandad one day .

10 ) I want to be able to enjoy my retirement and need to be in the best possible physical sate to do this.

Those are just some of the reasons .

I still think you need to concentrate on the other issues first ie The fact that he has let himself go. He can still make an effort for when you go out despite his weight and his lack of sex drive . Perhaps you need to make him intersted in yourself again . Wear sexy clothes for him . Guys are very visually motivated .

As another idea for weight loss . why not attend together a Slimming World meet. Even if you don't need to lose weight yourself , you could join to keep him motivated or perhaps just lose a couple of ppound for a holiday etc. . i would ring the organiser first to see if any guys are existing members , so he doesn't feel left out in female company.

Like I aid before this isn't going to be a quick fix. For me it took over 4 years to get to the weight I am now. But sooner you strat the better.

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He does have a sex drive, not as hIgh as mine but its there. I make an effort most days to look nice, , because I want to feel nice. I alway have pretty underwear as I've always worked I the lingerie business.

I think we need more us time tbh. We hardly ever have childcare to get out thou. I have said that when our youngest starts school it would be great if he could take a few days off so we can have a few daytime dates. When we do hsve a rare night out he will make a bit more effort, but its really the only time. Wish he would treat every day a bit more like it, at least shower and put on some of the nice aftershave he has

Its nice to be able to say openly how I feel, as ive bottled it up a bit. Dont want to get to the stage where we have nothing left

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Btw Mysteron I really appreciate your reply s and advice.thanks.x

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TBH what you are going through isn't vastly different to what we were going through some 3 years ago. The main difference is that I had already been into a year of slowly losing weight and altering my diet accordingly .Many couples who have kids go through a similar process but its usually the guy complaining which makes your case a little different .

But the key issue is the one you already highlighted ie getting some "Us Time" Sometimes for something special paying someone with a trustworthy teenage daughter to babysit is worth considering . Even if its say only once a month .

Other things you could do is get a lock for the bedroom door and spend perhaps an evening together in there with drinks and nibbles . We still do this occasionally , although these days its me who is the party animal and prefer to go out when we can .

As an idea you could look at some of the adult games if you want to sauce things up a bit in a bedroom "lock in" . Manogomy or Tie and Tease would do the trick. we bought both from Lovehoney and they are great fun to play especially if your both a bit typsy. With either game I would go through the cards first making sure there isn't anything either of you wouldn't be comforatble in doing. . I would also recommend you check out the reviews for both of these games as well .

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Yeah we definitely need a lock for our door, we have little wanderers lol

I will check out those games. Thanks again

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Siren40 wrote:

Please dont judge me

---x---

Ive tried gently talking about it, helping with diet, cooking well. I've tried being direct sbout it and saying its upsetting. He tries, but it never lasts

Its getting me down.

I've been through just the same thing with my girlfriend (now ex), and you have my sympathies, It is one of the hardest tings I have ever had to do, and seems to be a constant battle getting them even to confront the issues (as its a whole swathe of them) and unless your careful it can seem like your always getting at them, or niggleing, which just became, in effect another of the reasons we split up...

Hopefully it wont come to it for you guys, and with advice from more helpful people here than me, you'll get through.

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We have been together for 19 years and married for 12. Im not ready to throw in the towel yet. And our children are still really little... Hope its just a sticky spell and he will buck his ideas up.

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I also wonder whether he is depressed if he is struggling to just shower? Is it worth talking about going to a GP for this too?

Top advice from Mysteron as always! Dating and quality time are so important. In my experience women want to feel loved and men want to feel respected reminding your husband how much you value him can really make him feel appreciated. I hope you are able to resolve this xx

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Gem, it is possible bit extra stressed. He is on antidepressants anyway.

Im going to bite the bullet tonight, and try to have a chat about how he's feeling. I understand relationship s will, and need to change when children come along, I just feel like we are very changed. And if things stay as they are I cant image wanting to be like it in another 5 years down the line.

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I agree with Mysteron, not much to add to what they have said. From experience I was told by an ex he would leave me if I put on weight or was heavier than a size 12 where he put on 3 stone in the year we were together and felt attacked if I tried suggesting we go to the gym together or a class, in the end he told me one of the reasons we finished was because I lost too much weight (2 stone in a year).

All I can add is have a chat about how he is feeling and get everything out in the open, I don't have children so I don't understand that aspect of the relationship but get everything out in the open and see what he has to say too, he might feel the same but won't say anything, that's my experience with guys anyway. Hope it can work out for you & you two can go forward ^_^ x

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MissNoir wrote:

... From experience I was told by an ex he would leave me if I put on weight or was heavier than a size 12 ...

Seriously? And you didn't say immediately something like "that goes both ways, I don't want a fat partner either!"? What do they think?

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Talia wrote:

MissNoir wrote:

... From experience I was told by an ex he would leave me if I put on weight or was heavier than a size 12 ...

Seriously? And you didn't say immediately something like "that goes both ways, I don't want a fat partner either!"? What do they think?

I agree that is awful. My wife is still plus size but I still luv her to bits and treat her no differently that when she was a size 14 . To black mail like that is selfish and stupid . If anything its likely to get the opposite result . For anyone to start any sort of weightloss programme its encouragement that is needed not bullying .

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How did you get on last night? I read through this post and as always have to say Mysteron gives some great advice.

Weight is a very, very sensitive issue. I am frustrated with mine and in a year have gained 3st since being on the pill. It has yo yoed since being with my OH, and this morning after I came home from Slimming World with a strop on (he was in my bad books anyway) I tried on a couple of clothes that I ordered and he told me I was gorgeous and loves me regardless of my weight. I always believe weight is something that should be tackled for yourself and only yourself. If you are told to lose weight and blackmailed into it I would say it would have the opposite effect.

What may help I think is make yourself look damn fine. Dress up for yourself, maybe throw on abit more makeup, do your hair differently etc. Show him whats on offer and maybe this will buck his ideas up. I don't think this hurts for him to see and to put the willies up him a little.

I always believe that you have to keep constantly working at a relationship. It is like a fire, the moment you stop adding to it, it will eventually burn out.